Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Siblings of Achievement

Can you imagine success fuelled by darkness?
Powered by inner demons seeking escape?
Shielded by dreams that seek to forget?
Startled by tears that convulse?

Snapshots in my life:
a broken arm
tears at Golden Week
relief fantasies with death

It was the last that alerted me most - that ticked away, hidden beyond my daily grasp is desperation, hope is draining away. I want to share this with everyone. BUT. BUT. BUT.

Never Give Up - it is what I am guided by now.

My business life these days is shaped by my family: their needs, their wishes, the possibility of constructive living. My beautiful eldest daughter, who - until only a few months ago - was herself sinking into darkness, hiding herself from the tightening noose of Japanese school life, while puberty overtook her body. I was thinking she had become monosyllabic - hormones dulling her childhood - but once in Mullumbimby, at the happy Shearwater Steiner school, she came out of hiding: a bright face glowing lively again, lightening her voice and confirming to me that our move to settle into Australia had suddenly raced ahead of our deadline for achieving it.

So that is my situation now - a fabulously successful experiment in Japan roaring ahead, despite a stagnant economy, and Jeremy - sitting on the joyful crescent of its success, tumbling down into the emptiness of Sydney. I left Sydney 10 years ago and once the work had flourished there. Now very few teachers earn a full-time living, one school languishes with 6 or 7 trainees, and publicly there is little feeling of care or knowledge about AT in Sydney these days…

I had people helping me - but they wanted co-operation, which I didn't offer, so they left. Then someone on a basic salary - but I can no longer afford to pay that, so naturally empty pockets pull stronger than passion. Many people around me are inspired by the mission of BodyChance, are happy to be involved and committed in heart and soul to its cause, but we all need to earn a living. That is the crux of it, that is why I started BodyChance in the first place - to create a culture of success, to generate interest, excitement and engagement in Alexander's discoveries with the wider community again.

What has happened to that vision? Nothing, but I am understanding now the loneliness of carrying a vision. I am the first person who is never paid. My salary, so painfully developed over 10 years in Japan, now devotes itself to funding BodyChance Sydney and I am alone in funding that vision. If I can pay, I can get support - but without that, well… When you are in my shoes, support is not agreeing to be paid to work for BodyChance - that is employment. And it is reasonable - who works for nothing? It is a ridiculous idea. Except that I do. Hundreds of hours, $30,000+ investment, and still very little to show. It is my vision/burden and it feels more the later than the former at this time. Sigh.

Will I give up? Of course not. Do I feel strong all the time? No. Have I made stupid decisions? Of course. Have I been clever in building BodyChance Sydney? No. Have I learnt lessons? Many, and continue to do so.

I hate to complain, I love to hype, but there is a darker side to creating a vision and I am with that now: a feeling of darkness, even a whiff of despair putrid and poignant. I will regenerate, I will continue - but I wonder if it can be said that vision and darkness are siblings in achievement?

1 comment:

  1. Jeremy,
    From my understanding, your last comment is true. This darkness can create the fuel for you to manifest your vision.
    Being a visionary is lonely, is difficult but in my view is also very rare. So many people do not have it inside them to be visionaries. is the visionaries that change the world. Imagine what vision and patient F M himself must have had to have. The Technique only had one believer and only one source of credibility, himself.(if I am correct) I believe in you and your vision Jeremy.
    You are already a success. You have started a school in Sydney.


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